Secretly More Read online

  “We need to turn this off. There are too many frog puppets running around. It’s weirding me out.”

  Kimber shrugged and curled up on the couch, fetus style, unable to muster the energy to care as Jay stopped the tape. Although he’d been the one to suggest a movie-and-McDonald’s night last week and insisted on not canceling, he’d been antsy all evening, like he couldn’t wait for it to be over, and he couldn’t stop complaining. There’d been too much pepper on his burger. Traffic was too traffic-y. There was nothing good to watch. Now there were too many frogs. Nothing seemed to satisfy him.

  Not that she could blame him. The whole night had a strange vibe to it, like something was about to happen. Whatever that something was, it needed to happen before she ground her teeth into powder with frustration. In the meantime, it was excruciating trying to put the polish on the dull silver living.

  Jay glanced at her, and in that moment, she realized she hadn’t seen him smile all night. He looked away with a heavy exhale and studied her DVDs, still in the orange milk crates. “What a bunch of no-fun nuns we are.”

  “Yeah.” She ran a hand through her hair. “Maybe we should just call it a night. It’s clear we got a lot on our minds.”

  Jay didn’t respond, and Kimber idly noted he didn’t ask for details like he normally would. Then again, she probably wouldn’t ask for details if she were him either. She was sick of her own problems, which had been self-inflicted from the start. Everyone had warned her, but she let herself get swept away by someone who finally seemed to care about her after so long of the opposite with Dane.

  Dane-now that was a whole other story. Her interest in him now was so slight she felt like she’d imagined their entire relationship. It happened another lifetime ago to someone else. She’d no idea why she’d agreed to see him tomorrow. What was the point?

  She hadn’t yet told Jay that Dane had come to see her, let alone that she’d agreed to go out with him. For some reason, she couldn’t bring herself to do it. She just knew he wouldn’t approve-and had the nagging feeling if she couldn’t admit to her best friend that she was getting together with an ex who bored her, it probably wasn’t a good idea. However, she wasn’t known for her good ideas, as recent events had taught her.

  Jay remained quiet, and Kimber was suddenly struck by the realization that maybe his silence had nothing to do with her. Maybe he was going through something as equally miserable as she was, although probably less depraved. The possibility added a side order of guilt to her mood. She’d tried to get him to tell her what was going on with him earlier but he’d refused, and she knew she should’ve tried harder. Now she was not only a fool, but a bad friend.

  “Hey.” She sat up and tossed a pillow at him. “A quarter for your sad, crabby thoughts.”

  He arched a brow. “Not a penny?”

  “Inflation. Times are hard. Now what’s your deal?”

  Jay heaved another sigh, staring at his feet. “What, I don’t want to watch frog marionettes jump around so I have to talk about my feelings?”

  She threw her hands up in the air, frustrated, inexplicably anxious, and at a loss for what to do regarding his demeanor. “Fine, then I don’t know what to tell you. I’m out of ideas.” She stretched out on the futon and crossed her arms over her chest. “I guess we’ll just sit here in silence and hate life.”

  A few minutes of quiet did follow, the only sounds being their breathing and Pepperoni scratching at the rug then jumping on the kitchen counter with a chirp. Finally, Jay spoke. “You first.”

  “Are you sure? It’s just more of the same old crap.”

  He nodded. “I wanna hear it.”

  Kimber told him the abridged version of how she’d met her stranger at the hotel and they’d spent all night making love and everything had seemed possible-until she woke up alone with a note that put an end to all that. “So that’s my closure, my unequivocal sign, I guess. I went there, hoping for that.” She sighed. “Who am I kidding? I went there for every reason but closure.”

  “Yeah, but why?” Jay still stared at his feet, nudging the bass drum coffee table with the tip of his sneaker. “I don’t get why you’re so into a guy you never even saw.”

  “I know. I try to rationalize it, but I can’t. This is going to sound weird, but he gave me so much hope.”

  “Of course he did. He came on the heels of a bad relationship. Anyone would’ve done the trick.”

  “That’s not true.”

  “How do you know?”

  “I could tell by the way he touched me.”

  Jay finally looked at her, his jaw twitching like he was trying to formulate a question but didn’t know how to go about it. “How?”

  “How what?”

  “How did he touch you?”

  “Like I was the most important girl in the whole world. Like he couldn’t get enough of me.”

  “No.” There was a dark, indescribable look in his eyes that sent a shiver up her spine. “What did he do?”

  Her eyebrows rose. “You’re asking for serious details.”

  He nodded, his mouth tight.

  Kimber blushed. “Why do you want to know?”

  “Because.” His expression remained unreadable. “It’s the most fascinating thing in the world.”

  Her skin prickled as the atmosphere in the room changed. “Yeah, why?” she asked, keeping her tone light, the mood familiar. “Meet someone special and need tips on your technique?”

  “Let’s just say it’s a weird situation.”

  A flicker of unexpected jealousy sparked inside her at the thought of Jay doing any form of sexual calisthenics with some random girl. She didn’t like the idea of sharing him, even though her feelings toward him were platonic. Was he torn up over some girl and that’s why he was so upset? If so, Kimber couldn’t stand her already, judging by the agonized expression on his face.

  “Bleh.” She rubbed her temples. “We should’ve gone out and gotten wasted tonight. I know I could use a drink. First all this, then I have to deal with Dane tomorrow night.”

  “Dane?” Jay’s features contorted with confusion and suspicion.

  She hadn’t wanted to tell him yet, but why stop with the confessions now? “Yeah, he wandered up to the bar today and was all, woe is me, life sucks without you. I dunno, I just felt sorry for him, so we’re meeting for drinks tomorrow.”

  Jay’s expression hardened. “You two are hanging out? Are you fucking kidding me? After all this?”

  Kimber’s mouth dropped open as he pushed to his feet and paced the length of the room like a restless lion in a cage. It was no secret that, despite having introduced him to Kimber, Jay never really cared for Dane and liked them as a couple even less, but she’d never seen him so angry about it. “Chill, it’s not like it’s a big deal or anything.”

  “It’s actually quite a big deal, Kimber. I’ve had to deal with hearing about that douchebag making you cry and disappointing you for years now, and just when I think we’ll finally stop talking about what a fucking moron he is, I hear you two are going on a date-probably your first ever with him, if I recall his protocol correctly.”

  “Whoa. Will you calm down?” Kimber’s heart hammered against her ribs. She couldn’t believe the stark fury and intensity of his words. “I’m not even into him anymore.”

  “Bullshit. Why else would you be going out with him? Obviously you still feel something for him. What isn’t obvious is why. And after all this time apart from him, you’d think you’d know better, but be honest. All it’ll take is a few of his empty promises and you two will be together again. Then the shit will start back up and I’ll never hear the end of it.”

  “None of this is in any way true,” Kimber spluttered. “Things are different now.”

  “I thought so, too. But they’re not.” He stopped pacing and faced her, his jaw clenching and his gaze hard. “Just tell me one thing. Tell me why Dane gets all these chances with you, and I never even got one. And one would’ve been all I nee
ded.”

  Stunned heat crept through her body as she fought to find the right words. “I don’t know. We went over this, Jay. You’re my best friend. I never thought of you like that.”

  He raked both hands through his hair. “I don’t care. Think of me like that now.” He stared at her, expectant, his dark blue eyes unyielding.

  She rubbed her face with her hands then straightened, shuffling things around on the bass drum cum coffee table, feigning busyness to mask her extreme discomfort. “I can’t. I’m sorry. I just can’t see us…being together like that. You’re too important to me to risk getting involved with.”

  He crossed his arms. “So you’d never fuck me.”

  Kimber gasped and stared at him, open-mouthed. “Jay!”

  “Just tell me, yes or no. Would you ever fuck me?”

  She cleared her throat and coughed, wishing she were anywhere but there. Even an Iraqi war zone would be preferable. “No. I’m sorry. I just can’t see it.”

  “Oh, I fucking know you can’t see it.” Jay breathed out a nasty laugh. “And I’ve got news for you-you’ve been doing it for weeks.”

  * * *

  Jay regretted the words the second they burst from his mouth. The blank, uncomprehending look in Kimber’s gold-brown eyes meant he’d have to explain them, too, which could only be a thousand times more agonizing for the both of them.

  “What?” Her voice was calm and controlled and on the verge of being neither of those things.

  He took a deep breath. “Kimber, I-”

  “There is no way you’re telling me what I think you’re telling me. And if you are, you better follow it up with a confession that you’re lying.”

  “I wish… I wish I was.”

  Kimber stared at him, unmoving, but in the silence of the room, he could hear her breathing turn heavy and shallow and her jaw tightening as she watched him as if deciding how best to torture him. She shook her head slowly. “No. You’d never do that to me. There’s no way.”

  He squeezed his eyes shut and pressed the heels of his palms to his stinging eyes, not replying.

  “Deny it, Jay.” Her tone became shrill. “Tell me you’d never do that.”

  “I’m sorry,” he croaked, his mind and body paralyzed with the shock and fear of this moment finally happening. This was it. This was the end.

  Jay looked up as she rocketed to her feet, and now it was her turn to pace. “No, no,” she kept repeating, as if trying to convince herself. “That’s not like you. This isn’t happening.”

  “Kimber-”

  She whirled on him, her eyes blazing and her cheeks red. “Are you fucking serious? It was you the whole time?”

  “I can explain.”

  “I can’t even imagine what you have to explain. I can’t believe this. You and Moquest arranged this whole sick game, and for what? To get your revenge on me because I said I didn’t want you? Then how fucking hilarious it must’ve been for you both to see me lose my shit over this whole thing-over you. That must’ve felt really good to make me look like a fucking fool.”

  “No, I don’t feel good. I don’t feel good at all. I never wanted to make you feel like a fool.” He pressed his palms together and clasped his hands to his chest. “Please believe me, I never meant for any of this to happen.”

  “You didn’t mean for it to happen on three separate goddamn occasions? Fuck you, Jay, this wasn’t an accident, and you didn’t do it under duress.” Tears dripped down her face but she didn’t seem to notice them. “After all these years, now this. Now you decide it’d be a great idea to use me, embarrass me, take advantage of me, degrade me, lie to me… Who the fuck are you? You’re obviously not my friend. Friends don’t do this to each other. No self-respecting person would do what you did.”

  “I know, I know.” His body shook, like an earthquake devastated his insides.

  “No, you don’t know. You arrogant asshole, you just sat here, requesting a play by play on everything you did to me. What a power trip. Did that make you feel like a real man? Like a god? Did you get the ego boost you so psychotically craved you’d do the most fucked-up thing in the world to get it?”

  “It wasn’t about an ego boost,” he whispered, hating how he couldn’t find the words to explain himself, but maybe she was right; what was there to explain? “I did an awful thing, I know. I regret everything. Believe me, I never intended to degrade you or use you or any of that, and I wanted to tell you but I just-”

  “But you couldn’t because you were too busy fucking me? Oh my God.” She sank down hard on the futon, as if her knees could no longer support her, and stared at the floor like it had just told her that her family had been devoured by cannibals. “We had sex.” She glared at him, more angry tears welling her eyes. “We had sex, a lot of sex, and you didn’t bother to tell me. My fuck, Jay, I’ve done things with you I didn’t even feel comfortable doing with Dane. I opened myself up and-God, I think I’m going to be sick.”

  He sucked in a shaky breath. “Kimber, I-”

  “You of all people treated me like a whore then tossed me away.” She covered her head with her hands like a makeshift helmet, a wild, stricken look on her pale face. “You fucked me without my knowing, got your rocks off, and dumped me on hotel stationary. Then you have the audacity to come here and treat me like I’m crazy for getting emotionally attached to quote-unquote a stranger.” Her face crumpled with misery. “Who the fuck do you think you are? Where do you get off, thinking you could do this to me and it’d be all right? That everything would continue as normal?”

  “Kimber.” He couldn’t stop saying her name, clinging to it like a life raft as everything whirlpooled out of control. “Please, listen-”

  “No, you listen.” She sprang to her feet again and advanced on him, backing him toward the front door. “You know all facets of me now, but it turns out that I know absolutely nothing about you. I trusted you, Jay, more than anyone. Do you understand how badly you betrayed me?” She wrenched open the door. “Get out. Get out of my apartment, get out of my life.”

  “Look, I know you won’t believe anything I say,” he hiccupped as he edged into the hallway, registering only then that he was crying. “What I did was the most selfish, fucked-up thing I’ve ever done, and I know this won’t make sense or right any wrongs, but I want you to know I did it because I’m in love with you. I mean, really in love with you. I’ve wanted you since the day we met. You’re everything I could hope to find in a person, a friend, a girlfriend, everything. You mean the world to me, and I hate myself for hurting you.”

  “You love me,” she repeated in a monotone. “Well, that’s very unfortunate for you, because right now, I can’t think of a person I hate more.” The door slammed and he heard the lock slide into place.

  Jay stood there for a moment, staring at apartment 18’s brass number below the peephole and giving his brain a moment to catch up and comprehend everything that had just happened. Still in shock and having no other choice, he wiped his wet eyes on his sleeve and eventually forced himself to shuffle down the stairs to the exit with lead legs. Tremors still rippled through him like aftershocks. The nightmare had finally happened. His worry of losing Kimber for good was out of his head and real now. In a way, it was almost a relief; there was nothing left to fear. But he knew the worst was yet to come. All those endless minutes of passing life without her and trying to live with himself and what he’d done still had to be faced.

  Outside the building on the concrete steps sat a woman. He recognized her as Kimber’s neighbor, Taryn, who had nearly gotten freaky with her boyfriend outside Kimber’s door on moving day. Now she looked anything but orgasmic, smoking a cigarette and wearing owl-print pajamas. She looked at him as he descended the steps like a zombie. “Hey,” she said softly. “Jay, right?”

  “For the most part. I’ve answered to worse.”

  “Rough night, I take it?”

  “Nothing that a bottle of whiskey and a rooftop can’t fix.” He feigned lig
htness but knew the truth wasn’t that far off. He violated and betrayed the only person he ever loved. It was a stretch, wondering how he might eventually come to live with himself.

  “I figured.” She wrinkled her nose and flicked the ash. “I could hear the whole thing.”

  “Oh.” Until then, he hadn’t even thought of how others outside the situation might view his actions. Suddenly that rooftop didn’t seem like such a joke.

  “Don’t worry. I heard it, but I didn’t understand it. Nobody understands a relationship except for the people who are in it, and sometimes not even them.”

  That was for sure. Jay didn’t even understand himself anymore. He let out a gusty sigh. “I’m not in a relationship,” he admitted, his voice cracking. “Not with Kimber. I totally fucked up any chance of that.”

  “Oh, I know all about doing things like that. Why do you think I’m out here, pretending I’m a smoker?” She took a brief, inexperienced drag then eyed the cigarette. “My mom smokes these-Misty 100s. I used to wave them in the air and pretend they were magic wands that could make everything all right. But now I know the truth-all a cigarette does is make my mouth taste like my mood.” She glanced at Jay. “See, Brad and I got in a fight, and he left for who knows where.”

  “That sucks.” Jay struggled to care more, but his own problems loomed too massive to see around.

  “Yeah. Tomorrow was supposed to be our anniversary, and I don’t even know if we’re together.” Taryn looked at him. “Check us out, a couple of screw-ups.”

  “Pretty much.” Just what he wanted to dwell on.

  “Look, I know we don’t know each other well at all, but right now I can’t think of anyone more miserable than me aside from you, and they say misery loves company. Since my friends are somehow nowhere to be found and I really don’t want to be alone tomorrow night, what do you think of feeling like hell together?”

  “Sure.” He shrugged, just eager to get away from her and return to his seedy apartment in a neighborhood so shady it made Skid Row look like Beverly Hills. For the first time, he felt like his address suited him-and his character-perfectly.